Sometimes I think I know myself too well and my God too little. I get a funhouse-mirror view of myself; shapes becoming contorted, faults magnified and expanded and stretched in all directions. I look in this funhouse mirror and come to the conclusion that the blobbish creature that appears there is exactly me, and starkly unlike all those normal people.
Then starts the cycle, a single-party dialogue that would leave Tolkien's Smeagol kinda weirded out: "oh, wretched sinner that I am," followed by "all have sinned and fall short," itself countered by "that's no excuse for my weakness."
This whole post sounds like a pity party, but I promise it's not. I come, to paraphrase Julius Caesar, not to bury myself, nor to praise myself.
I come to praise my God.
Even when I get into the spin-cycle of self-deprecation and self-justification, I know quite well that God chooses the foolish things to shame the wise. And I know that His glory shines bright when it's obvious that He is strong and I am weak.
But it's a different thing to know something than to know something. It is different to know something as a fact than to know something as truth that is permeates in essence to our every thought. And so I forget the God who spoke in mercy to a fearful Jeremiah, and said:
"Do not say, 'I am only a youth'; for to all to whom I send you, you shall go, and whatever I command you, you shall speak. Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you to deliver you, declares the LORD." Then the LORD put out his hand and touched my mouth. And the LORD said to me, "Behold, I have put my words in your mouth. See, I have set you this day over nations and over kingdoms, to pluck up and to break down, to destroy and to overthrow, to build and to plant."
([Jeremiah 1:7-10][1])
This God -- my Savior who bore my full penalty -- commanded Joshua to "be strong and courageous" ([Joshua 1:9][2]), and strengthed Daniel, calling him "man greatly loved", and instructing him to "be strong and of good courage." ([Daniel 10:19][3])
When I deem myself unusable, who is it that I'm really doubting, if not the God who would use me? Yes! I'm a sinner! This is not news to my Savior! So was David, who was called a man after God's own heart, yet murdered a man to commit adultery with his wife. So was Abraham, through whom all nations would be blessed -- yet who in impatience and lack of faith in God's power to produce offspring went his own way.
So too was Jacob for whom Israel was named, and Moses and Samson and countless others used by God, "who through faith conquered kingdoms, enforced justice, obtained promises, stopped the mouths of lions, quenched the power of fire, escaped the edge of the sword, were made strong out of weakness, became mighty in war, put foreign armies to flight." ([Hebrews 11:33-34][4])
These men - these sinners - were not chosen by God for their righteousness. Nobody is.
God chooses whom He chooses for His glory.
For what we proclaim is not ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, with ourselves as your servants for Jesus' sake. For God, who said, "Let light shine out of darkness," has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ.
But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies.
([2 Corinthians 4:5-10][5])
Even me.
[1]: http://esvbible.org/Jeremiah 1:7-10 [2]: http://esvbible.org/Joshua 1:9 [3]: http://esvbible.org/Daniel 10:19 [4]: http://Hebrews 11:33-34 [5]: http://2 Corinthians 4:5-10